


The Games He Played

by starrynightwrt



Category: Bumilangit Cinematic Universe, Gundala (2019)
Genre: Inspired by Falsettos, M/M, im so high on painkillers right now idk if this make sense, not to mention this is the first time i write about them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 05:23:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21404884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynightwrt/pseuds/starrynightwrt
Summary: “Maafkan saya, tapi saya belum bisa memberikan apa yang Mas minta dari saya.”“Semuanya Zulham, saya mengorbankan semuanya, buat kamu.”“Saya nggak pernah meminta itu dari kamu, Mas. Jangan salahkan saya.”“Saya nggak menyalahkan kamu. Cuma saya heran, sampai hati kamu meninggalkan saya setelah semua ini?”
Relationships: Ghani Zulham (Ghazul)/Ridwan Bahri
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	The Games He Played

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on an analysis of The Games I Play from The Falsettos

** _“Maafkan saya, tapi saya belum bisa memberikan apa yang Mas minta dari saya.”_ **

** _“Semuanya Zulham, saya mengorbankan semuanya, buat kamu.”_ **

** _“Saya nggak pernah meminta itu dari kamu, Mas. Jangan salahkan saya.”_ **

** _“Saya nggak menyalahkan kamu. Cuma saya heran, sampai hati kamu meninggalkan saya setelah semua ini?”_ **

** _..._ **

Ghazul would be lying to himself if he said that what he and Ridwan had was a good relationship. What he and Ridwan _ had _ was, at the very least, dysfunctional. This wasn’t the first time they got into a big fight. In fact, come to think of it, fighting seems like the only they really ever do (well and _ sex). _For two people with such desires towards each other, they really couldn’t stand being in the same room without bickering and disagreeing. At the beginning, there was something thrilling about their disagreement, they were proud with the fact that they refuse to agree on anything, it sparked fire and usually lead to the most amazing sex Ghani Zulham himself had ever had. But it had been a year and they were both exhausted. 

Ridwan, considering the fact that he was pushing 50, was seeking for stability in the relationship he had with Ghazul. He wanted to settle down, build a family, a place to call home. Ghazul on the other hand, was not ready for this kind of commitment and he didn’t think he would ever be ready for it. He was just never the kind of person who thought about settling down and letting other people hang the moon for him. He managed his own expectations and he got by all out of his own effort. He’d been alone for so many years, and he had found comfort in this particular lifestyle, the idea of a life-long company sounded more like a prison to him rather than a safe-haven.

This was _ also _not the first time their fight turned into series threats of leaving one another. This wasn’t the first time Ridwan blew up in front of him and told him to leave the house. But today, Ghazul called his bluff. When Ridwan set his suitcase down in the living room, without thinking much, Ghazul grabbed it and rushed to the bedroom; packing everything he owned as fast as he could. There was no going back. Ridwan was devastated. Ghazul didn’t even say goodbye.

He wasn’t the one on the blame here. He refused to be. Ridwan knew what kind of person he was the first time they got together. Ghazul never promised anything, still, Ridwan put everything on the line for him, _ hell, _ he’d move the entire world for Ghani Zulham. He kept pushing commitment and complained about how Ghazul couldn’t find joy in the concept of monogamy. Now, when Ghazul couldn’t give back the things he asked for, Ridwan seems to be pinning all the blame on Ghazul. _ I’m not at fault, _ Ghazul kept on telling himself, _ doesn’t matter what he said, he doesn’t own me, I’m not at fault. _Ghazul was not a bad person. Sure, he’d done things that were, in hindsight, hard to justify; bad things. But, he was human. He made mistakes and he was willing to learn to be better. 

Ghazul was used with the role of a boy-toy he usually plays in a relationship with older men. There was never any commitment, just series of games and sex, just right up his alley. He used a lot of sexual imagery in his narrative, he wasn’t ashamed of this, this was what made him Ghani Zulham. Even with Ridwan, he used to see fulfilling Ridwan’s desire as part of his duty in the relationship. Nothing more. It was fun to wonder at the moment, why did he even choose to be with Ridwan in the first place. Sure, Ridwan was wealthy and he wasn’t in any way bad looking. But it was never like him to stay. And now it seemed like Ridwan was not the kind of person worth staying for, at least not in Ghazul’s likeness; Ridwan was neurotic, almost annoyingly intellectual, self-centered, self-absorbed, and overly competitive. 

So why was he with Ridwan? Had Ghazul changed his priorities? Ghazul had said that what he loves he devours. He used men and then discarded them after he got what he wanted from them. He could have left Ridwan long ago. Why was he still here? Did he love Ridwan after all? He didn’t _ want _ to love Ridwan.. He even went so far as denying it a number of times, but his actions belie his words. Come to think of it, Ghazul was obviously scared of feeling what he was feeling for Ridwan.

Despite the fact that Ghazul was probably less messed up than Ridwan, he still had some unresolved issues in his life. Ridwan had been telling him to take control of his drinking habit over and over again. Well, in this case, he wasn’t wrong. Ghazul was an excessive drinker. Was that because he was trying to escape something, his past maybe? This had haunt him for quite some time. Ghazul was getting older, sure he still look good now, better even, but he was no longer able to be a cute young thing. Was that why he stayed and put up with Ridwan?

Sure, what he had with Ridwan was exciting. Jumping into the relationship with Ridwan was like betting on a horse race. It was never like himself to irrationally throw himself into something, but there was this thing about Ridwan that intrigued him. Now the relationship had come to an end, it felt much like losing all of his betting money after the horse he bet on did not place first. He had bet on the horses, daring to enter a committed relationship with a man instead of staying a lone wolf like he had been for so long, and he lost. Surely he never thought that it would hurt him this much.

Ghazul refused to have all the blame being pinned on him, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Yes, Ridwan did propose for a divorce with his wife as tribute for Ghazul, and at that moment, Ghazul couldn’t help but feel proud. He never thought much of it. Now, he wondered. In retrospect, was he the one to blame over the tragic break up of not only Ridwan and his wife, but also Ridwan and his family? Was he the one to blame over the fact that Ridwan’s kids had to live separately from his father after the divorce? The divorce sure felt more like a curse than a gift to them. Right?

_ Right? _

This used to be a game for Ghazul. He was never one who strive for victory but he seeked for fun and excitement within the moment. Unlike Ridwan. Now, there were one too many variables involved in the game. It wasn’t fun anymore. It was guilt-ridden and devastating. Getting into a relationship with Ridwan meant Ghazul was supposed to be ready to fall in love and get in the middle of the family charades Ridwan was playing with his life. Seeing how the game eventually played out for Ghazul, he was obviously not ready.

  
  
  



End file.
